My Story Part 2: Recovering from a Broken Heart/ Where We are Now

With the physical recovery lasting an additional 6 weeks after my second procedure, I had a lot of time on my hands. Those days were the most difficult. I don't know about you guys, but my brain does much better when it is busy. I was left in my mom's care during the days, and it was a few weeks before I could drive or even shower standing up. Nights were the hardest. I didn't sleep. I cried every night for a long time. I wanted to feel "normal" again on some level, but there was another part of me who feared the idea of moving forward to the point that I would no longer spend hours crying over my baby girl. That is actually still something I struggle with. It hurts so much to think about, but I have spent a lot of time thinking because I want to preserve the memory- even if it is a terribly painful one. The thing is, now I know that day may never come when I feel "normal" in the way I did before. I have a new normal. I am always going to feel sad about what I lost, and that's okay.

One of the best pieces of advice for the healing process I was given was to name and assign gender to our baby so that when I think about her, I can think of her by name. It helps because even though she never walked on this earth in a physical sense, she was someone to me. Everyone always thought of the baby as a girl... even most of my gifts were girly, so that seemed natural. We had a name already picked out too: Frances Harper Lee. Our Franny.

A common question, even immediately afterwards was, "when will you try again?" That question has been so hard for me. I would actually get a little bit offended because my instinctual answer would always be, " I don't want another baby. I wanted this one!" Even as that idea has gotten easier to explore over the last month or so, a part of me still feels a little bit guilty thinking about the future in that way. I have had the persistent fear that if and when we do have another baby, everyone will forget about our sweet girl. The truth is though, as a good friend was quick to remind me, Franny will always be a part of me. She will always be known and remembered by those who love us and those who loved her and were excited to meet her.

I have other fears too, like what if we can't ever have a baby of our own? I can't even let myself go down that road, but sometimes it is hard. I would be 30 weeks pregnant right now. I have a nice little email that I signed up for when I was pregnant that reminds of my "progress" each week. I can't bring myself to unsubscribe to it. Franny's due date is on our second wedding anniversary: March 18, 2013. To say that I'm dreading that day would be an understatement. While I have certainly made progress, there are still certian things that have the ability to kick me right back to August/September levels of sorrow. Each day I get a little stronger. When I think I'm having a rough day dealing, I just think about where I was in the grieving process a month before, and I know I am making definite progress, even if it does come slowly. Another good piece of advice I was given that I hold onto: progress merely for the sake of progress isn't beneficial. I am healing on my time.

 I cry less. I don't hurt less, just differently. I hurt in the sense that this pain is now a part of me. I have tried to explain this so many times:  I just feel like a different person. Not at all in a bad way, but this experience has changed me. Even though what happened was terrible, I am a better human being than I was 6 months ago. I am stronger, more self-aware, more sensitive (if that was possible ha), and I have come to realize who and what is truly important in my life. I just don't have time for people and things that bring me down. Life is too short.

In spite of everything, we really have been blessed so much over the past couple of months. I got the very first job I applied for, which I never expected would happen. I am getting to use my degree, and I believe 100% that I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now, something that actually has the potential to positively impact the lives of others. Even though I may not have children of my own, I get to help other people's kids every day. It is difficult, but it is the best job I have ever had the privilege of doing. Ty and I have gotten back on our feet and moved to a neighboring town. We have learned what it means to fully rely on one another once more, and I have never been so in love with my husband. Experiencing this loss together has made us stronger in a way that I never could have imagined.

Thank you for all the facebook posts, messages, comments, and texts I received after yesterday's post. You are all wonderful and I'm lucky to know each of you. I hope I can make you feel as loved and supported as you have made me feel. Thanks for reading my story. My blog will resume it's usual upbeat tone tomorrow. :)

xoxo
Kaitlyn